My Fallen Angel

So May 15, 2011 my entire world was crushed with a simple phone call. I still remember everything about that day. It was a Sunday morning and I had just went back to sleep after eating beakfast with my cousin. My phone ring and another one of my cousin was calling me. When I answered it sounded like she was laughing so I was getting angry. But then I hear her say "Aunt Mary died". I fell out of bed. My heart immediately started hurting. All I could do was scream. Nothing else would come out of my mouth. I went and told my cousin and we found me a ride to the hospital. I replay this day in my mind all the day. Sometimes I reach for my phone to call her. I can still see her smile. Hear her laugh. And feel her touch, but I know I will never experience that again. It still hruits to this day. She was the rock of our family and nobody can take her place. I have found a god mother who was her best friend to ease the hurt, but nobody can be Aunt Mary.

Mysterious Illness and Me

If I was battling with this mysterious illness and had no clue what it was I would cry every day. I wouldn’t know how to accept it. It would frustrate me losing control over something that I should be able to control. I wouldn’t be able to tell when an episode would happen so at any moment it could happen. I would try my hardest to act like I was dealing but deep down I know I would be hurting every moment I had this illness and didn’t know what it is or why it happen to me. I would seek counseling to try and talk about how to emotionally and psychologically deal with it. I feel like those two areas would be the hardest to cope with. I could deal the physical part but this condition would eat away at my self-esteem. I honestly do not know if I could accept this problem in the long run. I would need answers fast. Losing my mind is my worst fear. This condition is scaring and unexplainable; and having no control over MY OWN BODY is hard to even think about.

The Greatest Gift

So my 20^th birthday is Wednesday. I have always been one to be extremely excited about their birthday. The day after Christmas I start counting down until that special day. My mama says that ever since I learned how to count I have been counting down until my birthday. This year I am excited and sad all at the same time. Last year I woke up happy and excited about it being my first birthday in college so I just knew I was going to go all out for my birthday. My mother called to sing happy birthday to me and told me that one of my friends who was battling with cancer was doing a lot better was going to be coming home soon. That made me even more elated about my birthday. Later that day two of my friends kept calling me but my other ended up calling at the same time. She told me that my friend passed away. My heart was broken and I no longer cared it was my birthday. I was crushed that she would pass away only being 20 years old. We grew up together going to the same church and on the children’s choir together. We never talked a lot but we didn’t have any problems. Our senior year she was going with a guy who I treated like my little brother. I heard that she was cheating and I asked this if it was true. He was like ‘Yeah she is” and said other things. He went back and told her that I said she was cheating. She came in my class and asked who told me she was cheating. I was like “Nobody told me. I asked.” After school was over, she texted me and asked me again. She was like she knows I didn’t mean any harm about asking and she knew I would stand up for her and not talk about her. We texted for a while and I felt we got closer after that. I would text her every day to check up on her and to just say hey. I never got a chance to see her again before she died. And that’s what really hurts me still to this day. I have to tell myself that this connected us even more. I tell myself that her suffering ended on my birthday and what greater gift can I receive then a friend finding the greatest happiness. 

Holding On vs. Letting Go

       

   The most difficult decision I have ever had to make was forgiving someone. I had to choose whether I wanted to sit everyday remembering what happen and not truly living my life. I realized that my anger didn’t affect them at all. They were able to continue to live their life as if I didn’t mean anything to them. As if the five years I knew them didn’t matter. I was hurt by the way things happen between us and even more hurt when they acted like they didn’t give a damn that they played with my hurt. No we were not in a relationship those five years but I took so much crap from them. I wanted to keep being angry at them but I was only hurting myself. I have a hard time letting go because I car too much about people who don’t care about me. All of my hardest decisions are about letting go of my past. I find it hard to let go of something when my feelings have never been expressed to that person so I feel as if there is no closure to the situation; everything just stopped without a fair warning to me. But now I realize that I can’t keep putting myself out there for people to just walk all over me. I find it very hard not to care and not to put my heart into everything and everyone that comes into my life.

Just My Thought For Today

A lot of times I feel like I am missing something out of life but I am nowhere near knowing exactly what it is. Sometimes I feel that I am missing that special someone in my life but then I sit and realize that I might not be ready for that. I think about everything that I haven’t been able to let go of in my past and realize that it’s too much to put on anyone else. I know I have so much love I want to give to someone else yet I haven’t learned how to fully give it to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love myself so much but I know I can do better. I love and trust too easily. So that special someone is not the solution. Or at least I don’t think so right now. Sometimes I feel I am missing my true purpose in life. I know I am here to help others, I just don’t know how. I love doing so much and love being everybody’s she-ro but I still do not know how I am going to incorporate that into a career.  I just feel a sense of loneliness sometimes even when I am in a room full of people who mean the world to me. I know I belong I just think too much and need concrete answers. I ramble too much lol but this is the way my mind works. Except most of the time I am thinking about other’s problems instead. I see now this blog is going to be where I truly vent. I just realized what it is that I am missing: a true confiding friend. I really need a companion who knows ALL of my inner most thoughts because they are beginning to get the best of me at times. I pray but I guess I need that person I can see when I’m talking to them; who can wipe my tears away when I cry. I am that for everybody else but I have no one to be that for me. Maybe one day I will find my husband and he will be that. I hope I don’t scare him away.

Letter to My Best Friend

Dear Black Barbie (DeNea)

          Today has been a trying day for me. I’m writing to you in this blog I had to create for my Writing Media class. It is cool having a blog and fairly easy to create. You should try it.  You have to go to blogger.com to start. And I know you already have a Google email so it won’t be hard for you. Ugh. Today just hasn’t been a good day for me. My head is hurting and I’m just down. I miss my Aunt Mary so much on days like this. She always could make me feel better with just talking to me. I am trying not to get down and out again like I would before but I just want to be at home in my mama’s bed. This semester should be an easy one except for February. And we both know why. I still can’t understand why things had to happen the way they did last year from my birthday to all the wrong relationships I created last year. But I am going to try to make the best of it. But this headache is something serious. Right now everybody and everything is irking me so bad. Ugh. Let me stop complaining. Well I hope you are having a good day. Love you and thanks for listening to me vent.